I Have Cancer, Give Me a Discount!

I wish there was a secret bastion of discounts available for people who have cancer or life-threatening diseases (although, depending on an assortment of socio-physical factors, even a walk outside the house can be “life-threatening”). Clearly, I wish this, now that I have cancer. But alas, I’m afraid these discounts do not exist. I don’t know for certain but I suspect so. I’m pretty sure they don’t offer, say, a free ticket or even a discount (is 10% really asking much!?) at Century Theatres nationwide, since I inquired at the twenty-five screen multiplex in Union City a couple of weeks ago. From that, I’m deducing that corporations like Starbucks, Verizon Wireless, or even Quiznos will not have any discounts or offers for being host to a disease that wants to kill me. No free mochas, additional daytime minutes (but communicating with loved ones at this point could really be healthy!), or sandwich condiments for me.

I must say, I’m a little disappointed.

I can’t help but wish our world was like the one portrayed in the Stonecutters episode from The Simpsons, when Homer, for example, was given a Stonecutter ring which he used on the vending machine at the power plant to never have to pay for chips or sodas again, or when he was given a bumper sticker that would ensure he would never get pulled over again, or when he, as a member of the Stonecutters, was taught their official clandestine handshake to prove his membership to other members in order to procure free and better services (like home plumbing). I could make a killing with my disease if savings and free merchandise and services were abound!

Just imagine the possibilities (because I know I can!):
· getting a 20% discount on pot brownies at marijuana dispensaries (“We’re sorry about your dis-ease, man.”)
· 15% discounts on all merchandise at stores like, say, Target (“Hey mom, you wanna do some shopping?”)
· 10% mark-off on sex toys, 25% discount on DVD porn rentals (“Hey baby, you wanna go shopping?”)
· 5% discount plus a free monthly bundle of asparagus from Whole Foods, Rainbow Grocery, or Safeway (“We regret the difficulties you’re currently experiencing Mr. Alvarado, but throughout your chemotherapy treatments, we wish to support you by assuring that you eat healthy.”)

I’m already going to save so much this summer on haircuts alone, thanks to the chemo making my hair fall off, but it can be so much more. : (